ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
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Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.