Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
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Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Follow me for more fitness tips.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]