Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
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My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume
me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.