Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.

You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:

“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”

Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?

hmmm

I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return

Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there

I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done

Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.

Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword

they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them

My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.

Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.

Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.

the hottest people have the worst stomach problems

The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.

[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]

Me: must be good genetics

Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.

Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.

This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

Me: “Are you even listening to me?”

My son:

ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*

*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”

I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for

Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.

So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.

I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.

If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.

*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture

Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.

me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)

wife: what are you doing?

brain: lie.

me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.