Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
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The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
the three genders
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Banderslack Clamberdorch
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
What about a To-Don’t List?
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there