Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.

Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.

building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows

Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.

waiter: have a good day

me: love you too

“No, it’s not me” 😂💀

OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!

ME: Thanks I could really use the help

I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.

standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home

It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.

why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean

Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?

Me: Yes, thanks.

Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*

*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can

I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”

Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”

Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?

My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.

have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened

The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.

to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.

Courageously battles through my ice cream headache

ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]

WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle

Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone

Wife: We named you after Grandma

Me: Yes that was my idea!

Grandma: They all laugh at me at school

4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:

4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.

Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.

4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.

Me: …why?

4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.

This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly

#getstudying #college

my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her