Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.

Rt to bother an English speaker

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….

My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..

..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!

What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*

My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!

Until the dog humped the couch

I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.

My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.

I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.

My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.

I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.

My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.

According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8

When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.

I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?

When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time

my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman

Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.

[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]

Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.

I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves

I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.

One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room

You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.

I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……

inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”

Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”

they see me scrollin

*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*