@bobvulfov

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly

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@ericONEderful

What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.

@ericsshadow

Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?

@AshleyFrankly

I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.

@momsense_ensues

Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.

In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?

@MikeSchism

unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life

@threetimedaddy

Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”