[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly

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[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?


I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun


The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.


Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.


Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.

Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.


A weeping willow tree is just like a regular willow tree only married


I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys


Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.


I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.


[on intercom]

Pilot: does anyone know how to land an airplane? asking for a friend, i swear