Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth

She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”

Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.

-me, flirting

If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.

*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*

Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.

HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do

WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go

My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.

some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”

Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos

I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.

Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.

I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born

Spotted in New Orleans.

It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.

This cat wants you to take your pills

[comes home from a day away]

Kids: Guess what we did today?!?

Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.

Kids: How’d you know?!?

Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess

dad: when i die, donate my body to science

[later]

me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go

John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.

professor X: what’s your power?

me:

professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.

Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.

Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician

*Later*

My dad: so what do you do?

Him: I get paid to lie to people

Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.

Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.

Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.

The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.

It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.

I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.

Grow up never but we old may grow we

“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there