Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.

My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.

Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️

My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.

My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock

My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us

I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.

*must be why I’m single

C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.

Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.

Me: And…the other thing?

Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.

My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.

if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy

PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom

Enters supermarket with a long list.

Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.

Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was

surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint

I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.

“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”

My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.

first world problems

I could really use hands-free web browsing.

My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.

I feel seen.

Schrödinger’s cookie

there’s gotta be a better word for you people than cinephile

[10:06pm]

13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.

Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.

13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.

– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?

– Rhino

– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn

[1st time meeting a friends baby]

Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”

Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”

If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.

*pulls out 50 inch TV*

What? It’s really a phone.