Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.

“Can you get my water, Mom?”

— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.

Firing Squad:

Me when they’re trying to close the buffet

ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.

ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.

Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in

2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.

Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins

Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.

What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best

Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.

[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player

When taking your driving test:

1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.

My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.

if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do

After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.

THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???

A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.

“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.

Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.

*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby

Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”

In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.

i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him

my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart

What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.

I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife