Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My phone just told me my network was unstable.

Same, girl. Same.

Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.

Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.

For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.

My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy

Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.

I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS

UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please

I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.

Her: You’re a dumpster fire

Me: So you think I’m hot??

Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.

Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?

“No thanks.”

Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…

“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”

Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?

Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!

idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go

At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.

HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.

Me buying fruit and veg

If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires

[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”

My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.

i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”

mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella

wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella

“Dad, what’s a coworker?”

“Someone you block on social media.”

Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch

How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people

Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off

{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.

Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card

Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first

I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.

No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.