Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!

I said STOP RUNNING!

STOP RUNN..

YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!

Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to

Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.

10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone

I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins

god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem

I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us

I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you

If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room

[serving dinner]

ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?

WIFE: Flambé?

ME: I’ve flambéd your soup

The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.

what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90

Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.

And now someone’s texting him.

The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.

50 shades of grey = my Liver

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.

I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.

That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.

Friend: What’s that you’re reading?

Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”

Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?

Me: $24.99.

If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.

You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.

“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”

[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder

Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?

JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film

Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.

‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’