Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.

Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!

Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.

You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.

-Disney

i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now

*me carrying in all of the groceries

Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying

starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport

Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.

Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on

(my first day in customer service)

Caller: I can’t understand you.

Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…

Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”

Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.

The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles

USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”

Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage

I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.

Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.

6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”

Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”

6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”

*Takes drive down memory lane

*Gets a DUI

cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one

I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.

If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’

I am not telling the truth.

Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.

COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”

The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff

For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.

1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”

Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.

Friend: That’s good to know.

Me: It’s actually much worse than that.

After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “

amazon: your order has been placed

me: great thanks

amazon: your order is being prepared

me: cool

amazon: your order is being put in the truck

me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step

amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt