[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
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They’re the worst 😩
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.