Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]

My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.

Roses are red, violets are-

Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!

People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.

Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?

When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.

Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read

Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.

I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code

If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.

“Let’s agree to disagree.”

TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.

Him: You’re married?

Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.

Him: What about on Friday?

Me: Depends how Thursday goes.

STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

Body by burrito

Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.

This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.

Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.

Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”

grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight

Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up

there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion

Friend: oh my god there’s two of you

My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear

Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right

My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.

“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.

If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.

10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny

I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance

Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.

You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?

my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]

Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?