Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song

Van Gogh: here you go

It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.

When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”

“I’ll be back!”

-boomerangs

-and herpes

How to care for cast iron properly:

1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?

but whales can’t sink a sub

ORCAn they?

How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?

Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale

*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit

ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream

Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”

As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.

*a plane missed the runway

I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.

*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”

[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.

INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé

ME: Thank you, I found it outside

corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-

me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”

Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.

Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.

Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls

When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.

Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.

Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.

Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think

“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it

If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?