(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
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Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Penguins walking in 5x speed
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.