(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
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[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?