Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
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Trains are just sideway elevators.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.