Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.

ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT

I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.

One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.

Looking at you, Jesus.

I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye

Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian

My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”

Fluff me with a fork baby

I’ve just bought a new Christmas keyboard for my computer.

There’s No L.

Cop: say the alphabet backwards

Me: the alphabet backwards

Cop: okay, you’re under arrest

Me: but you said—

Cop: I didn’t say simon says

Me: oh shit

[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?

ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol

MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!

If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.

I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament

I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!

The dog came third.

No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.

Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable

Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing

mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.

*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*

Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.

Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.

Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough

Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.

just having fun

Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies

Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.

Been there, done that.

– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning

cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees

Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking

people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey