Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
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Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes