Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bolts upright in bed..

If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?

So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.

I’m really not seeing the down side here.

Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?

Me- Wished I was an adult

Trampolines…

Are great…

For…

Peeing your pants…

A little at a time…

Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.

Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.

Neighbor: That’s my wife.

WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT

ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?

BOSS: What?

ME: I’m writing an email

BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!

ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it

Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.

I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.

We don’t need people like that in this world.

[olive garden]

waiter: when you’re here you’re family

me: cool can I borrow some money

waiter: please leave

A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”

a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.

imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.

Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.

I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe

having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing

Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.

I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.

do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.

Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

Teacher: Write what you know.

Student: *writes “what you know.”*

No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.

Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet

– Keys to a successful relationship

If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.

And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.

For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.

*hangs out at graveyard*

I like older men.