Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.

I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.

Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺

I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.

forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this

No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.

If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing

at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet

me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza

When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.

shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.

(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide

Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll

GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo

“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”

—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.

[at swimming pool]

Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem

EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore

As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?

As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.

I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”

oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]

Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it

1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.

i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.

Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.

Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.