“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
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I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
I basically called this earlier today
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
what are they serving at kfc then???
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”