August 8
![]()
You Might Also Like
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
i wish all
whales
a very
big
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.