August 8
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I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
You’ll be OK
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps