August 8
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Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth