August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.
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Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
we’re gonna need another temp
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
My first child will be named New Folder.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
No one approached me–a reliable stranger–to take a picture of their family yesterday. Could’ve been the eye patch
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.