Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: woah real life russian dolls

midwife: get out

As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.

Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.

When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.

My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”

55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans

If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.

One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting

The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.

How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12

Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’

°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND

Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.

Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.

T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said

Mammals for $500 Alex

“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”

What are sloths?

“Wrong, What are coworkers”

Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:

Sup, girl?

Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick

Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?

my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….

me: *hits download*

I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”

I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.

If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants

if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer

[presentation]

GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?

ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?

E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.

I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday

if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993

Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.