*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
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Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event