Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”

[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh

*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.

If you’re the owner of a feathered chicken suit and you’ve never gotten naked and put it on inside out, get ready for a memorable night.

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.

If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.

me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it

lady: can I have my baby back

If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?

I don’t know what to do

My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.

therapy: $500

tattoo: $500 but cooler

Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.

Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.

Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits

Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.

Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.

Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.

I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…

…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.

currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart

That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.

“I got this”

-hypochondriac reading Web MD

Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.

Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.

*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*

[driving on the highway]

My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.

Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?

Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.

It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now