AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
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[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.