AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
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WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
i don’t want to go into the new year on bad terms with anyone. if i hate you please die by january 1st
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter