Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.

My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping.

He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.

[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son

I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.

had to make it

Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom

Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep

If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.

The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.

I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife

I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3

me: I’d like to withdraw 100K

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

[Googling]

How many calories in a glass of white wine?

*45 minutes later*

[Googling]

How many calories in a bottle of white wine?

a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”

Jack: I want to be nimble

Genie: ok

Jack: and also quick

Genie: ok those are the same thin-

Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle

ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.

You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.

Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.

I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.

We have to move now.

Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..

Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..

Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.

When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*

Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?

deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)

If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.

My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol

robbers: [leaving with my tv]

me: WAIT

robbers:

me: can you close the door