AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
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Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?