aura
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Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours