aura
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Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Breaking news:
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying