aura
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I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.