aura
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My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
me and the Superbowl rn
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?