Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
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I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
What do you hear?
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.