Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.

Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?

Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler

From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.

Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.

Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.

Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison

Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no

Date: so you were married twice before?

Me: yes

Date: any kids

Me: no they were both adults

My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.

*Organizing closet*

Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?

Me: Oh, just put it with the others.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

HERE’S MARKY

Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.

I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.

Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.

Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.

I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.

Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”

Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun

I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!

My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.

So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.

[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?

Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.

[two coworkers walk into my office]

Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!

Me: Where?

Podiatrists don’t use metric.

They only deal with feet.

I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another

Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”

Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”

Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.

burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”

Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.

PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.