Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
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hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
How dude HOW?!
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.