Australia has an election this year. Wanna talk about it all day, every day, and make it our entire personality?
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[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.