Australia has an election this year. Wanna talk about it all day, every day, and make it our entire personality?
You Might Also Like
I wish I lived in a swing state. I am really good at pumping my legs
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
