Australia has an election this year. Wanna talk about it all day, every day, and make it our entire personality?
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My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Friends that check up on you >
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing