Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
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Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
This bar smells like my childhood.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Livid.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”