Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No flush

[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?

astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely

🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!

– Bon Schröedi

Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.

Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.

“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.

I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.

I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?

Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye

The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup

Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape

Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape

Dear Diary,

I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.

[First Date]

Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.

Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*

Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.

There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???

#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!

one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh

Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.

Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!

Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.

There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?

lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots

The internet is magic sometimes.

At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:

Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.

Man to the left of me: Please don’t.

Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe

one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”

Barber: How do you want it?

Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple