Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
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Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
roses are red
i fall when i skate
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
don’t be scared
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking
please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark