Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.

I know that now.

Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?

Just parrot things

But that’s none of my business

*Runs 6 miles*

*Adds Kenyan to resume*

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?

my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend

me, modern and woke: okay great

my daughter: he’s a bee

me: *clenching my jaw* okay great

I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.

“Grapey.”

-me after every wine at the wine-tasting

How does a mule unlock a door?

With a don-key.

#MuleDay #RubbishJokes

They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.

Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.

Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.

Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?

Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.

I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.

My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.

I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.

Someone garnished my wage.

My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???

On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.

When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.

I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’

I thought, “That’s just spam.”

#Google

THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.

ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.

My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.

absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans

Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]

DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser