“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
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I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?