Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
You Might Also Like
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.
doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.
me: when can i go again?
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Good morning
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
i wish i could marry a nap
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.