Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.
You Might Also Like
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*
omg the susans have started to replicate please send he
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses