Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.
You Might Also Like
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
I really had high hopes for this year though
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
When I laugh on my period
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.