Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.

Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats

I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it

<——-Wants the burger

<——-Needs the salad

I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*

4yo: it’s ok, I like it

me:

4yo: except for the smell

Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.

Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.

[Swedish massage]

masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*

@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck

Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”

that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)

Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line

-Japanese spelling bee

kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again

Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*

Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE

I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

Now we wait.

I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

12: I can’t wait to be an adult.

Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.

baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”

this is from a book called the bible

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis

My 12yo stole all the nice socks that I rightfully stole first from my mom.

All dates are ‘blind dates.’

The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.

My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly

8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?

Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.

8 year old: I know, but you do.