*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
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Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*