Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”

beauty:

beast:

beauty: *sips tea*

beast: *sips tea*

beauty:

beast:

beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—

beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask

When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.

Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.

“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.

we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed

My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.

I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.

A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD

me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”

it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…

Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.

I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance

Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.

My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.

I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.

And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.

[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t

so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk

Women aren’t hard to read

For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out

You’re done bro

When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.

Placation.

The Sun’s probably Asian.

I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.

I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges

My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.

Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot

I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.

going to the ER y’all need anything