Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?

Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?

Him:

Me:

Him: How much money do you have?

Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.

interviewer: describe your hero

me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room

I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.

No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.

When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔

[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond

i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”

You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

The big book of baby names but for safe words

Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.

“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.

Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.

Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter

Things my dating coach and I are working on:

– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot

5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?

Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.

8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?

Me: Yeah, usually.

8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.

[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise

Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.

Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body

Dwayne Johnson: i got this

LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.

Just got to our Airbnb!

My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.

If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy

My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”

ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.

HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.

***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people