Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

[first day]

Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you

Me: I’ll be fine

Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you

I took two years of anger management courses

Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.

I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people

I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!

I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes

Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.

My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes

me: sord

English: sword

me: why

English: because i like it lol

me: that’s not a good anser

English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this

37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.

Alexa turn off the planet

yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days

Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL

Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.

I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season

‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.

the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”

wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge

9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?

I think my husband is beginning to suspect

Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.

[job interview]

Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?

Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.