Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift

This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too

What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control

THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP

“No”

WE WON’T ASK AGAIN

“No”

Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again

I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out

the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something

I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.

Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it

Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.

Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.

C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible

You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work

Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob

“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?

[Haunted house]

Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}

My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.

surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol

“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”

Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT

You: Hold my beer.

Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*

The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.

There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio

If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.

You Matter.

Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.

Then you Energy.

[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it

I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.