Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up

Me: objection your honour!

Judge : sustained

Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.

I’m awake but I object,

friend: I was named after my father

me: *aware of how time flows* correct

Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt

Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?

Mugger: no

Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(

[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’

Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.

Dear Mr. Horsefly:

Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.

Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.

More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.

I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*

Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.

Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?

Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.

A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.

date: i like guys who are mysterious

me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman

He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy

Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.

If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.

My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.

Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work

Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over

Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.

You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.

When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.

I know this now.

I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads

Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.

Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.

Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab