Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.

Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.

Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it

It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing

I need to get organized and plan ahead

*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)

Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”

I think the cat got the dog high.

The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.

How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.

I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty

Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!

(Line goes dead)

I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.

I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.

Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.

Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom

My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.

“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?

My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.

I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.

I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable

“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist

“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor

Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…

No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.

You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??

Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?