Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
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When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?
dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.