Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.

Boss: Why were you late today?

Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*

Me: Traffic.

I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.

I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.

On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing

Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”

I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there

[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.

“HOBBIES”

I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.

That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod

No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.

I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.

3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?

Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.

Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

date: i love mussels

me: i hate working out

date: i mean from the sea

me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman

Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.

I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.

“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane

My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.

college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”

Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”

Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”

If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.

Me: Awww.

Date: *leans in for a kiss*

Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.

Actual air attendant:

“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”

If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.

me: family! regale me with tales of your day!

5: good

2: yes

hubs: same

How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.