Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.

HER: i love babies

ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry

That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!

my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is

CDC: please don’t

(to the tune of We Will Rock You)

I feed my dog dog food

my favorite genre of twitter

TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love

TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean

You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.

watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it

“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life

A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees

to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn

I am a genie. I grant you three wi—

Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!

Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”

I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.

Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.

Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.

Me: will you wake your sister

4: no that’s way too scary

9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.

[getting my license]

Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes

Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*

OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT

lmfao

“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”

– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.

We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.

Who the hell does that in a sock?!?

*squishes out of the room*

Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore

ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?

GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?