Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.

instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me

“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”

-Jesus

9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.

Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.

9: I don’t want to get it wet.

I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours

When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.

just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams

Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.

Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.

I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.

-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: *is asleep

Netflix: why are you like this

TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?

ME: *hand up*

TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.

ME: *hand down*

“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising

“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.

Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.

Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”

Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday

CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.

Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”

That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?

WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.

Yes

[tries to blow a kiss]

Kiss: I have a boyfriend

My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.

If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.