Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.
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I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
“What?”
– Jude
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.