Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Me: I wish I were a bird.
Husband: So you can fly?
Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.
Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.
