Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.
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Brb my Sims are getting married
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
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“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.