Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
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It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
X-tra spooky blend
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?