Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
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At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
This made me chuckle.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time