Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not

if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”

Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!

Date: you know that was just a filter, right?

Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine

next question.

All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner

if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately

My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.

Her: What’s your fantasy?

Me: Sexy nurse!

H: Meet me in the bedroom.

[10 minutes later]

*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*

M: Uh.

My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?

You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities

Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts

‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.

[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?

Women are like campfires.

Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.

And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.

Mostly.

11: can I see one of your last tweets?

Me: *pulls up tweet*

11: no, I meant a funny one

This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.

Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.

KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.

13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?

Me, knows exactly where it is: No.

There’s always that one guy

God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me

All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.

So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.