Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7

me: before rush hour, smart move

formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing

Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?

So they could…..Scan da Navy in!

Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about

Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants

boss: i’m always so impressed by you.

me: awww, wow thanks. why?

boss: bc you show up & do your work.

me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.

We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:

Omelet Easydozen

Florentine Pepperbatter

For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.

If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.

Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not

If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*

*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*

*sips wine*

Meanwhile in Portland…

I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here

FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.

The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.

4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.

Him: You… just went in?

4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.

(A museum. I took them to a museum.)

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away

“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.

The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.

Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.

The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook

When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

next time i open up to someone is during surgery