Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
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Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.
Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”
Hear me out: WrestleVania
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???
The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…
Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am