Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
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Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub