Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
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What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.
also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.