Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finally a use for spoilers…

my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)

I’d rather go liquor treating.

You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien

Only 99 problems?

Pfft. Amateur.

When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?

Whoa 😂

I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.

How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.

Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on

My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana

*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*

Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend

Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*

I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.

Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.

i just found this in my phone

Walk of shame

Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up

“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich

My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”

Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat

Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.

Ethan isn’t playing around this semester

“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????

I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps

I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair

I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.

After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “