Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”

Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before

God: you’re a fire ant.

Fire Ant: what does that mean?

God: when you bite something it burns like fire.

Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?

God: what-no.

Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!

“Have you seen my thumb ring?”

~ my proctologist

Moms. The original autocorrect.

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: can I give some feedback?

me: what did I just say

Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids

VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?

If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist

I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.

Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.

Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.

For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.

This is amazing.

Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.

I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”

“I’m taking a social media break.”

– People who will be back in 7 minutes.

Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.

One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.

Or I need new glasses. Again.

My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”

Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.

If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited

peep davidson

ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?

My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.

[on a date]

him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.

me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*

Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.

Hub: What time is our movie tonight?

Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes

Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30

“Back off ladies. He’s mine”

i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways

Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.

[apiary]

ME: Are you the beekeeper?

BEEKEEPER: Yup

ME: Can I get some?

BEEKEEPER: Nope

ME: Is it because you k—

BEEKEEPER: I keep them