Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*just after death, I head toward a bright light*

ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?

JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*

ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window

I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.

Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke

Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon

Son:

Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you

Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.

Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.

I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.

Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church

uber: sure

me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.

If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist

I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane

Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday

Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.

EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.

A dead goose is called a ghoost

If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?

Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…

Direct deposit: +1400

Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice

Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle

[mall]

Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.

Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.

worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone

chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all

me: not tonight, my friend