Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”

Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.

Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?

If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”

Me: *singing*

Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”

He was driving.

One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.

Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.

My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.

“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”

“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”

My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?

Well. That’s not a good sign.

[Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?

It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.

IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.

VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.

Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision

(first week into weight watchers)

You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?

I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap

Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia

Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton

I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.

Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.

Ok I just started watching House M.D.:

1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?

Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?

I enjoy a good short stor

me: babe get your finger measured

her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?

me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.

Came out pretty well.