Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
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Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Maths meets science
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.